Become the Mate You Desire

When seeking a mate, a critical step is to focus on the person on the inside first then consider the potential mate’s outside appearance. I read something recently, which reminded me of another critical step in realizing the relationship of your dreams. First, let me interject this, the principle I am about to share with you today can be applied to any relationship. This includes your relationship with your parents, kids, friends, and co-workers – every relationship imaginable. But for our purposes, we are going to focus on romantic relationships.


The Woman in the Mirror

Here it is. Whatever you desire in a mate, to attract that person with those traits, you must become yourself. This is definitely easier said than done.


If you desire a mate who is kind, gentle and compassionate, then you need to become kind, gentle and compassionate. Very often we tend to be more congenial to co-workers and friends than we are to family - the people we live with or see often - our families. This includes your parents, siblings, kids or other relatives. We pretty much realize that these folk cannot divorce us and unless we've committed some horrific crime, they probably won't cast us out of their lives. So, we tend to not be as kind, gentle and compassionate toward them as we are to others who are not kin to us - tied eternally to us through blood relations. But, to attract the kind, gentle and compassionate mate we desire, we need to exhibit these qualities in every relationship we are involved in.

If your goal is to attract a mate who is financially secure, then you must make sure your financial house is in order. If you have past due bills, make every effort to catch them up or work out a payment plan with your creditors. If your savings account is nil, think of ways you can save more money or increase your income and began to save and invest.

If want a physically fit  guy, then you must become physically fit. If you are not in good shape, commit today to an exercise and eating regimen to get in shape. Heck, you may even meet the love of your life at the gym while you are working out or at the park while you are walking. You just never know.

If you want a relationship with someone who has class and dignity and knows how to carry him or herself then make sure you are a class act. Are you refined and do you act appropriately in all situations?

If you desire a relationship with a spiritual person who knows God and acts like it, are you really spiritual or are you just going through the motions? Are you in church every Sunday and have absolutely no connection to the Spirit? Can you honestly say that you have grown spiritually or in your faith walk to the point that you trust God emphatically?

If you seek a mate who will not cheat or lie, can you honestly say you don't cheat or lie? I'm not speaking of infidelity per se. Do you fudge a bit and cheat at work, i.e. arrive 10 minutes late every day and make sure you are out the door 10 minutes early? If you received more change back that was due you from a purchase did you bring it to the attention of the clerk? Do you lie to yourself about things?

If you want someone who is dependable, can you be depended on? Can you depend on yourself? Do you make promises to yourself that you do not keep? Can others depend on you or do you make excuses when you don't follow through on something you've promised to another?

What is that I hear you saying? Oh, you are already everything you desire in a mate. Then what's the problem? The problem is in your expectation. Have you been in so many unfit relationships that you are expecting the worst? Ahh hah. Well, you will also attract what you expect. Expect that all men are liars and cheats and that is the type of man you will continue to attract. Every guy you attract will be a part of the canine family fit for the Humane Society. Expect that all women are after your money and can't be trusted and that's exactly the type of woman you will continue to attract. She'll always be asking as Janet Jackson says, "What have you done for me lately?"

Finally, your self-worth and self-esteem must be at the level where you know you deserve the best and then you must have the courage to do one of two things: wait with peace and expectation (being sure not to put your life on hold) or if you are in a relationship not worthy of you, get out.

Are you already the type of person you are seeking a relationship with? Yes? Great - you are on your way to a satisfying relationship! No? Why are you still sitting? Get up and get busy becoming who you know you are looking for.

In Chapter 2 of my book, Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces I suggest that an individual seeking a mate sit down and write down every single physical attribute they desire in a mate, then set that list aside. Now, sit down and write another list of everything you desire in a mate's character. The reason: by writing out the first list, you get what you should not be focusing on out of the way. Now you can focus on what does matter - what your ideal mate should be like on the inside.

Copyright Carmin Wharton, 2007

Carmin Wharton is a certified life and business coach to women.  Carmin coaches women who find themselves stuck and unable to move forward while trying to achieve a major life or business goal.  She also helps women through the beginning phase of starting a business.